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CATHARSIS EP

The Catharsis EP was born out of Beth Sarah’s experience with severe illness. In August 2023 she began suffering with gallstones, and by December was admitted to hospital with life-threatening acute pancreatitis, nearly dying twice during her stay. At Worthing Hospital, a digital piano in the Sanctuary became her only creative outlet. Playing regularly offered a lifeline, sparking the inspiration to write once she returned home and began processing the trauma her body had endured.The four songs on Catharsis capture emotions familiar to anyone living with severe or long-term illness—frustration, grief, resilience, and hope. Writing allowed Beth to release these feelings, resulting in music that is raw, heartfelt, and unflinchingly honest. Her aim is that listeners facing similar struggles may also find solace and catharsis in the songs.Beth reflects that while she was ill, many messages she received were cheerful and upbeat—well-meant but unhelpful when she was in constant pain and unable to do what she loved. What she longed for was honesty: people willing to share her anger, sadness, and frustration rather than offer the familiar “it will be okay.” Through Catharsis, she seeks to provide that kind of companion for others: music that acknowledges the reality that sometimes, it really isn’t okay.The EP’s arrangements are simple yet powerful, built around piano, cello, and vocals. Cellist Zea-Cyan Hudson features prominently, with Beth recording, mixing, and mastering the project herself in her home studio.

It starts with a twinge in my chest
A bit like some strong indigestion that takes my breath away
I am alone and scared
This is AugustIt hits me hard in the night, making me sit and clutch my chest
I ignore it as the pain eases after a while
But it happens again
And again
And again
By now no longer alone but still scared and also scaring those around me
This is SeptemberNext time it lasts longer
I call 111
They send me an ambulance
A&E rule out cardiac and send me home - no answers
This is OctoberThe pain comes again just days later
I call my GP
'Gallstones', he says, referring for an ultrasound
Which confirms a bag of marbles
Urgent referral to the surgeons, making out like it's going to be a mere few weeks and it'll all be sorted
How wrong I amNext time it hits me like a truck and I'm back in A&E, holding my chest, rocking back and forth and crying in pain
They give me strong painkillers and the pain eases
'You're already on the list so you have to wait like everyone else'
I look up waiting list times
45 weeks, just to see the consultant
This is NovemberNext time is a belt around my chest, tightening with every breath, squeezing the air from my lungs
'Pain severity 10/10' says the A&E doctor
'Consider this your consultant appointment so now you are escalated to the surgical list'
He sends me home with codeine for next time it happens
This is December 10thThree weeks more until life changes
A proposal, Christmas with the family, all in pain and waiting for the call
Everything under a shadowBoxing day it begins
A gallstone makes its way into my bile duct and sets off a series of events that could have been avoided if the list wasn't so bloody long
I vomit profusely at someone else's house, away from home, where we are having family time
Nearest emergency department is a long drive away
We arrive
'We're only open till 10 so you're unlikely to get to see a doctor tonight. Here, have some paracetamol'
They don't even check my bloodsI start to feel a bit better - the pain moves and I think the episode is over, so what's the point in staying if a doctor won't even see me
So we go back, stay the night and travel home in the morningThe next day I have a hair appointment for a perm
I don't notice that my skin is turning yellow and I have no idea that internally, my body is fighting a battle like never before
When I get home I try to eat but my stomach says no
Something isn't right
Back to A&E yet againThe pancreas creates amylase and levels in the blood should be around 30-50 units per litre
My bloods show an amylase level of 2666
Shit
It's pancreatitis
This is December 27thThe nurses on the enhanced surgical care unit concertina-fold me into the bed
And they pump me full of all the antibiotics
Metronidazole
Gentamicin
AmoxycillinAnd my body fights it's way through the shadow of death while I get sent for a CT, a chest x-rayMeanwhile they knock me out with Morphine
Oxycodone
Fentanyl
And I float away to places scary and close, with my bed folding in around me as people and places drift right up to my eyes and colours pop and swirlThe doctors and nurses tell my family they have no idea what the outcome will be
'Some people are well within 7-10 days, sometimes longer, sometimes they don't even make it - we can never tell'Monitored constantly
My heart rate sits at a steady 130
Oxygen which gives me nosebleeds
Blood pressure every 30 minutes
Bloods every day, but they can't find any veins so specialists are called in to find them
My levels of everything in the blood have tanked
They give me drinks of potassium
Calcium
Sodium
Bags of fluidsI don't eat for a weekIt gets worse and the team decide critical care would be better so I get moved into HDU in a bay where I have my own nurse
Two doctors try to install a line in my artery on the left and right
They can't find the artery and leave me with bruises and numb handsA specialist manages it the following day and now they can take bloods from there, with immediate results on their machines'she may be with us some time' says the HDU registrar who believes that my body doesn't have enough fight in itFor a while I don't believe my body has enough fight in it
I make my peace with leaving everything behindThen I come to my sensesFight
Fight
Fight
FightBloods start to improve
I eat
I drink
I get moved back out of critical care and continue to be closely monitored by lovely nurses who are so dedicated to their jobsStill hooked up to all the wires, I'm bedbound and my muscles are wasting
I need to move
I need to walk so they determine I am 'ward fit' and I no longer have the wires attachedFreedom!
Freedom to walk
To use the toilet
To start thinking about the futureHome
This is JanuaryThree weeks in bed has made me weak
I can't climb the stairs
I can't lay flat on the bed
I'm told to eat only foods that are under 3 grams of fat so I'm stuck with limited options and keep losing weight at a rate of a kilogram a weekThree weeks at home, struggling to eat, in pain, starting to move around a little
Then the gallbladder rears its ugly head and crashes back into play, knocking me down and causing pain that crushes my chest for hours999 again, straight in with gas and air on the way, whisked through for bloods and pain relief
Seen by a doctor called Freya who is reassured by my blood results and thinks it's just a gallbladder episode - she wants to admit me but they have no beds so I go homeNext day, same again as soon as I try to eat
Pain renders me a crying mess and the ambulance crew are less than sympathetic'What do you need from us? You know we don't carry pain relief on board, and we're not a taxi service'They take me anyway as I insist
We arrive and my bloods have spiked again
A recurrence of pancreatitis
Freya is there, she sees me, she finds me a bed and makes sure I'm admittedThis time the gallbladder pain lasts several days and I can't sleep or eat
I'm dosed up to the max and still in agony
But once that pain subsides everything seems to improve and the doctors start talking about sending me homeOnly they have one concern
I have a collection of pancreatic fluid that has formed into a pseudocyst, six centimetres in diameter, nestled between my stomach and pancreas then turning downwards and snug against my colon on the left
This needs to be resolved before anything can be done about my gallbladder so they refer my case to Guildford, the specialistsThey send me home to wait for the next plan
This is FebruaryThree weeks at home and then it's surgery day in Guildford to put in a stent to drain the pseudocyst
The doctor whizzes through the paperwork at lightning speed, giving me no time for questions or any understanding of possible complications
I go in and sleep then they tell me it all looks good and send me on my merry way with only a couple of hours aftercareTwo more weeks at home and I get a taste of normality as I build a little strength and start to sing and play and see people again
But it's all a tease because inside my body something is brewing that I don't anticipate
This is MarchI start to get the shivers and shakes, fever dreams and pain
I pack a bag and tell my lovely, patient and kind man that he needs to take me to the hospital yet againI arrive and within twenty minutes I'm in resus with antibiotics going in by IV'You're very septic' the doctor tells me
The stent is infected, apparently that's quite commonI remain on antibiotics and get admitted and moved to a ward
They monitor my temperature which keeps spikingAnd I vomit
And I shiver
And I ache
And I can't think or even open my eyes
A week goes byGuildford liaise and I have another CT, this may be ten now since December
I need surgery to washout the stent but the only surgeon in Worthing who can do it is on annual leave for the next two weeks
Guildford can't fit me in eitherSo two weeks more I struggle to eat, painful to swallow, no room for any food - to the point where they fit me with a feeding tube and they pump food directly into my stomach
I have never felt so desperately low or helpless as I do right now
I can't even eat
I've lost so much weight my pyjamas engulf me
I can barely speak with the tube in
Friends and family visit and all they can do is hold my hand and sit with meSurgery day arrives and Dr Brenavan Natarajan talks me through what he plans to do, even bringing the computer into my bay and showing me the CT scan and the sheer magnitude of the pseudocyst
'Without this surgery you will not survive' he tells me
He is so confident and sure of his plan that I put my full trust in his handsHe does not let me downI wake up feeling lighter, no extreme pain like before, just dull aching all over
I remain in hospital and they slowly reduce the antibiotics
My bloods start to improve
My eating starts to improveI start getting out of bed and walking around the hospital
I find a piano in the chapel and my tears flow as I play pieces I have not played in monthsAfter four weeks they let me go home to wait for the next surgery with strict instructions to return at any sign of infection
This is AprilI lay low and force myself to rest, rest, rest
Do NOT want to aggravate anything inside meI can eat more now my stomach has better capacity but I am acutely aware of my food being digested, I feel everything
The aching just doesn't go away
Sleep is hard to come by
Paracetamol every four hours on the dot or I can barely move
I get breathless climbing the stairs
I can't focus to do anything intellectualThree weeks at home waiting for more surgery in Guildford to investigate the stent
They haven't made a plan, they will decide what to do when they can see what's going on in thereI wait in limbo, hoping to stay well as my pulse sometimes races at 115 and my oxygen sometimes dips below 85, all the while having no idea how long this is all going to take to recover fromThe first time I venture out people are like, 'shit how skinny are you?!'
My leggings hang loose on my legs
My coat that I bought only last year and was tight then, doubles over at the front
I feel extremely frail but everyone tells me how good I look
Warped sense of what good is if you ask meI've had enough now, I'm done
Pancreatitis can do oneSurgery day arrives and my son and his girlfriend drive me to Guildford
Nice conversation in the car but I have a nagging feeling all the way
What if they don't take the stent out?
What if I don't feel any better when I wake up?
What if this is all going to take so much longer?In the hospital the nurse puts the cannula in a tiny painful vein on the back of my right hand
While the anaesthetist asks me a zillion questions and the consultant quickly reviews my notes
Same surgeon as last time, condescending, abrupt
'We'll see what to do when we're in there' he says and whizzes off to the next patientI'm second on the list so it all happens quite fast
I know what to expect but this time I'm so very scared that I can't stop crying
They put me in a painful position on the slab then start pumping in the sleep juice which stings all the way up my arm and I cry out loud and I cry until I am asleep
When I awake I'm still in a painful position and I can't move so I cry again
The nurse helps me move then it's rush rush rush
Drink some water, eat some sandwich, let's get you dischargedI don't see the surgeon, he's too busy
It's the nurse who has to break it to me that the situation is STILL not resolved and I have another stent, this time for three monthsI cry againThis is endlessBack home after another emotional journey and I collapse in bed exhausted from the trauma of the dayRest, eat, sleep, repeat
Rest, eat, sleep, repeat
Do a little bit of work
Rest, eat, sleep
Do more work
Rest, eat, sleep
Start building up my strength
Listening so closely to my body all the timePAINHospital again
CT shows a blood clot on my spleen – oh joy! A new organ to be troublesome
Treated with fragmin injections which I beg the nurse to teach me how to do myself so I can JUST. GO. HOME.
Doctors allow it, satisfied that I know what to do if things get worse
How many CT scans have I had now? I’ve lost count
This is MayRest, eat, sleep, repeat
Rest, eat, sleep, repeat
Do a little bit of work
Rest, eat, sleep
Do more work
Rest, eat, sleep
Start building up my strength
Listening so closely to my body all the timeStent surgery three
Doc tells me there’s no way I would be able to feel the stent as I tell him that it’s been causing me issues and I’m looking forward to having it out
Finally there is enough improvement to remove it
I can feel the difference as soon as I wake up
How would he even know if he’s never had one? Condescending Mr la-di-da
This is JulyRest, eat, sleep, repeat
Rest, eat, sleep, repeat
Do a little bit of work
Rest, eat, sleep
Do more work
Rest, eat, sleep
Start building up my strength
Listening so closely to my body all the timePAINBack in A&E for the night, back home, back for another night
Pain is excruciating but they pump me full of the good stuff again and there I am, comatose but pain-free
Another CT
'The good news is, there's nothing new to report - the bad news is, it doesn't look that different to your previous CT in May. Just stick with paracetamol every four hours and take codeine when you need to - if the pain doesn't get under control, you'll just have to come back'
How much paracetamol have I had this year? I wonder
Recovery is going to take so much longer than I thought
This is SeptemberPhone rings
GP receptionist blithely tells me my bloods now show that I'm pre-diabetic
So my pancreas isn't producing enough insulin any more
A wonderful twist to the tale
She books me an appointment to talk to a nurse about my 'diet'
I laugh
Oh if only you knew!
This is OctoberI'm done waiting
This has taken up all of my emotional energy for over a year
No more slumps
No more wondering
I am determined
Life begins now
Life is NOW
This is today